Disappointment-Or Something Like It

If you saw my Fear post last month you know that I had some unusual news about my brain. I left you with the knowledge that I was scheduled for tests to determine what is going on with me and some of my misgivings.

Since that post I have had my lumbar puncture (Not something I will be willingly signing up for again), I have been in the hospital a few times, and I have reached what I think was the level of despair which I hope I never reach again. I have had several very painful, physically and emotionally, weeks.

My lumbar puncture was able to confirm that I have "almost three times the amount of CSF(cerebral Spinal Fluid) than normal people". This confirmed the diagnosis of Pseudo Tumor Cerebri. In essence Pseudo Tumor is caused by some trauma to the brain or neck, it takes between five and eight years to first appear as an inflamed optic nerve. There is a nerve that runs down your brain that absorbs the CSF which your body produces daily, lubricates your brain with it, and then you pee it out, normally. My brain however thinks that there is a tumor on this nerve and will not let it absorb any of the CSF that my body is producing. The build up of the Cerebral Spinal fluid puts pressure on my brain, causes the optic nerves to become swollen and also causes debilitating headaches.

I am now on some medication that stops the production of pretty much all fluid by my body. I am always thirsty because I always have dry mouth, but I don't have a bad headache. I do however have constant tingling in my hands, feet, and face from the medication, a loss of appetite  constant heartburn (even though I feel sick when I eat), fatigue, and everything tastes off. So, I suppose that is better than getting a headache once in a while, right?

Oh, and then there are the other side effects that the doctor didn't really discuss with me. You see one of the effects of this medication is that alcohol can cause "extreme" headaches. I suppose that isn't a bad thing to avoid generally, of course I do happen to rather enjoy my beer blog, and writing about beer is difficult if I can't drink it. I haven't tested this out yet. I am afraid to. I want to see if my body will lash out at me for trying to hold on to one of the things that I enjoy so much in my life, but I am afraid to find out. If I can't drink beer anymore that might be almost as devastating as the other thing that this medication is stopping me from.

You see, for a year now we have been trying to have a second child. We have not been successful with the assistance of my doctor, and we were ready to move on to the next step and see a fertility specialist. This of course has its own cloud of disappointment and guilt associated with it. With my new medication (which I will be on for the rest of my life unless my condition miraculously goes away) it isn't safe to be pregnant. I haven't told many people about our struggles to get pregnant a second time, and I feel awkward talking about it now. This medication has sort of sealed my fate as a mother. I know that I should be grateful that I have one healthy and wonderful daughter, and believe me I am. I always wanted to have a large family, but now that is not even a little bit of an option.

So if you see me randomly crying or looking sad these days it could be for any of those reasons. I am disappointed, I am angry, I want to scream and shout, I want to cry, I want to tear my hair out to make this go away, but the part that I am having the most trouble with is the fact that there is nothing I can do. My doctor swears that he doesn't know why this goes away in some patients and not in others, he said all we can do is monitor it and adjust my medication  dosage as needed.

Now I feel completely exposed and vulnerable. I am trying very hard to find the things that I once enjoyed so much and savor them. I am trying to throw myself completely into every second I have with my daughter and husband, but at the same time I have a dark cloud in the back of my mind telling me that my life wil never be what I wanted.

Obed and Isaac's Microbrewery and Eatery

Recently the fam. and I decided to go down to Springfield, so I could go to a symposium that my professor was speaking at, and Blake and Autumn could play in the pool while I was gone. One of the things I do whenever we go anywhere is search for local beer. Someone may have rolled their eyes at the amount of time I spent looking for beer in Springfield before we even left, BUT it paid off big time.

Springfield is pretty small, I mean I grew up in the Chicago suburbs, so I was expecting it to look like a city... but it really seems more like a big town I guess. Springfield seems to be a city in transition. There were plenty of foreclosed buildings, but also a lot of beautiful historic homes. The city has a historic past (Home of Honest Abe, and Route 66), the state capital, several museums, and has a state university. These things don't really seem to be the foremost thought when you get there. This city which is supposed to represent (in my opinion) the state of Illinois looks vacant. One of the few areas that looked well maintained was the historic district in downtown. This is where I found the gem.

Obed and Isaac's Microbrewery & Eatery is inside of a beautiful, but unassuming historic home. The Architecture of the restaurant, and the neighboring home (owned by the same people) is beautiful. There is quite a bit of a story behind these two buildings, they were not originally located in the historic district, but were moved. You can check out some pictures from the house moving on the website.

The interior of the restaurant is very vibrant and bright, with a gorgeous bar, amazing wood and glass features, and some really extraordinary artwork on the walls. When we walked in Florence and The Machine were playing, I knew that this was going to be a good place for lunch.

I feel really awful, because I was enamored with the portraits that adorn the walls in the restaurant  but cannot find the name of the artist. If you know who the artist is, please let me know.

Portrait of Abraham Lincoln

Portrait of Mary Todd Lincoln

Portrait of another woman

Since it was early on a Saturday afternoon, it seemed pretty empty, we got seated right away. Shortly after we ordered the beer flight, the place started to fill up. We managed to try every beer they had, that they make.

The Beer Menu

My Beer Flight

I was very excited about the chance to get flights and try all of the beer. I asked our waiter for suggestions, but alas, he wasn't able to give us any, he just pointed to the beer menu and told me what type of beer they were (which was clearly on the beer description)

Another pic of my beer flight

The beers were good. I really liked the Ditzy Blonde, Obed's Pride Amber Ale, and the Black IPA that Blake got in his flight. We even bought some of the Ditzy Blonde to take home.

The beer and the environment were the best part. I got a horseshoe... I had no idea what a horseshoe was, but my rule is if they say it is a local specialty or a chef special, try it. Maybe it is an acquired taste, but the Horseshoe seems to be an open faced sandwich (on a bun) smothered in a cheese sauce and covered with fries. It seems like a whole lot of starch for me. It could have been me, maybe I don't understand the appeal.

Despite my less than ecstatic lunch experience, the place is awesome. If you are in the Springfield area, you really should check it out. I hope that Obed and Isaac's leads the march for Springfield to rebuild itself, and embrace it's history, while remaining current and vibrant. A few more places like this, and Springfield could be a destination in the middle of the prairie.